Reflecting on 2008 and Looking to 2009 - PART I

WOW. JUST WOW.

It's crazy how I started this Xanga a LONG TIME ago. I guess I don't really feel like sharing a lot of my stories anymore... or maybe there aren't many stories to share. I am a lot more upbeat about things in life, so that pretty much eliminates those long rants or long entries where I put a lot of thought into it. So, I'm going to waste this entry on some useless facts that you may not have known about me (of course some people already know this stuff). Joy.

- I stayed up for 28 hours straight playing WarCraft III.
- I tend to drink cold beverages in the winter to keep me awake as opposed to drinking coffee (for example, smoothies).
- My favorite number is 927. When I was young and played with some plastic numbers, I liked how the red of the 9, the yellow of the 2, and the green of the 7 worked when put together. Coincidentally, that order of colors was also my favorite; as a result, I liked traffic lights when I was young.
- I can identify almost all the possible kinds of traffic lights that I've seen in my life.
- I also used to like the number 67. I picked up the number when channel surfing (at the time I had no cable, and 67 wasn't a valid channel).
- My favorite video game of all time is MegaMan.
- I have BOTH of Danity Kane's CDs.
- I once bowled 13 straight games in a bowling alley in Thailand. My one finger looked like it was going to bleed after a while. My highest score was 164.
- No matter what website I go to, all the "IQ TEST" results say that I have a 140 IQ.
- I once accidentally tasted some battery acid when I was young. I was taking batteries out of a device and somehow they were leaking. I then stuck my fingers in my mouth and said, "wow, that's spicy!"
- I won 1st Place in my third grade multiplication contest.
- I have been in an honor society in both my middle school and my high school and only lasted one trimester in both.
- When my back is against the wall I ALWAYS deliver.
- I gave an ex-neighbor the nickname "Smokin." She was pretty hot (the first year she was around; she got old fast) and she smoked (no good).
- The first song I ever created was when I was young. It started off with "sexy legs, fat legs, everyone's got a leg..."
- After school during the third grade I would always race one of my friends from the door to the outer fence. He would always win by 6 feet.
- Dayquil makes me act weird and leaves me lightheaded. Apparently it also helped me in my insurance class ONCE.
- If I don't like you OR if you've done something bad/hurtful to me, there's a very strong chance I've done a freestyle rap with your name in it.
- There is one scent of perfume that I REALLY LIKE. If any girl wears it, there's probably a higher chance I will marry that person. (WHO KNOWS WHAT IT IS?)
- I cried during Free Willy... near the very end when Willy is set free.
- I went to a flea market when I was young and bought a stack of basketball cards, 100 for a dollar. One of the cards was a Michael Jordan card.

If you read through this whole list, congratulations. LOL

Losing Touch...

WARNING: LONG ENTRY. If you don't have time to read this, then that's okay, just ask me for a short summary. But I do encourage everyone who does have the time to please read this.

It's 7:45 AM. You may ask me, "Paul, why are you up so early today?" Here's a good answer. Last night, while watching the debate on TV, my mom gave me two glasses of wine. Of course, I am not really a wine drinker, but I drink red wine on random occasions in hopes my cholesterol goes down. Hahaha. You never know! Anyway, despite not feeling too buzzed, I did feel tired. After brushing my teeth I went to sleep. Then, I had several dreams. I know sometimes dreams mean nothing and sometimes they do, but this was interesting. I had a dream where I was at my aunt's house. There were a few people staying over the house that were from PSU... from AACF... the place where I not only grew to know God but also grew to know some wonderful creations of God. It was a weird dream, because nothing really happened other than me saying hi to them, making a few weird faces, and that's about it. I wake up at 3 in the morning afterwards. Then I go back to sleep and have another dream (which is about shopping at a mall or something... not relevant to this post).

Recently, I've either been waking up at random times in the night (without any feelings of going to the bathroom or any feelings of being cold or sick) and wondering why. I've been tired at work and I can see how my poor sleep habits are getting to me. I also end up having dreams of AACF people, and even though they may not make any sense sometimes, I know I dreamt of these people for a reason. I don't know why sometimes it's harder for me to sleep at some nights, but I did come up with two reasons. There's only one reason for this post, though.

REASON: I miss everyone from Penn State.

From the people who have graduated to the people who are still in college, I miss everyone. I realize that I put it upon myself to feel this way, because I haven't spent any time with anyone since the fall retreat. It's almost like I removed a page from the story of my life, and it sucks. I felt that I not only miss the friends I've made over the years but I've also lost touch with those that I used to hold close to me. It's a painful feeling, and I do believe my thinking about it contributes to my loss of sleep.

The sad thing is that there have been many opportunities to hang out with people. From being invited to things (thanks Amanda for the invite, and sorry I responded late and couldn't go) to other things such as picking up the phone to call someone, it seems I can't do any of it. I haven't called anyone to hang out. I haven't called anyone to even ask how they're doing, with the exception of maybe one or two people. I also haven't driven a car in... maybe 3-4 months, since I use the bus to commute to and from work. I have never driven far distances, let alone drive as long as one hour at a time. My inexperience and the fact I don't have my own car prevents me from even driving to Penn State.

A phone call around 12:45 AM on friday night (into saturday morning) got me thinking. It was a phone call from my good friend, Joe. He was in a lot of my Statistics classes, and I knew him through someone else. There have been a lot of good memories of those good Stat days. It made me realize that if someone can take the time (even as random as it was) to reach out to me, I should do the same. It also made me realize that there were so many memories from Penn State which I could write a book about. It's been so great getting to know everyone, to go through the good times and the bad, and seeing how everyone has changed/grown through the times. I even feel this way about those people who have either done me wrong, or have been negative influences in my life. Even though I may not be friends with those people, I still believe everyone has a part in my life... and everyone, even the "bad ones," have made an impact which I can remember. I do regret some lapse of judgements on my part as well as some of the consequences that came with them, but I don't regret the friendships I made... whether they lasted or they didn't, whether they were good or they were bad, etc.

Though I can argue "well no one from Penn State really cares, cause I haven't gotten any calls" who am I to say they don't care? I've gotten some IMs here and there... I've had chances to keep in touch... but I haven't done any of it. That's no one's fault but my own. It hurts to miss people so much and not see them around. My work schedule has been so rough that visiting Penn State on the weekends is just impossible... not to mention the fact that I was recently employed and have no days to take off other than the ones I used for this past Christmas/New Years (even though I got the actual holidays off). I would like to visit people in this upcoming semester... but again... I don't know if I have the time with all the work. I also don't have any days yet, since this is a new year and my accumulated days off is reset to zero. I am still trying to work this aspect of my life out.

I've also lost touch with one of my bestest friends: God. I can't really remember the last time I prayed about something meaningful or if anything at all, other than the times I pray before a meal or a long trip out somewhere. I can't recall the last time I had a passion to read the Bible. I can't recall the last time I made it out to church, either. It's just sad how I've lost touch, yet every single day. I feel something tugging at me. At first I don't know what to think of it, but as I keep thinking, I realize that maybe it's God trying to bring me back... saying that He hasn't forgotten me. During this period of time where I felt I've lost touch with everyone, my "MAD LOVE" has ceased to exist. Sure, I have love for people still... and it's not like I hold negative feelings towards people, but the love I feel now is not the same as the love I've felt in the past for people. It's a sad feeling, and if keeping myself up at night isn't an indication of the void that's missing, then I don't know what is. I know it is my job to keep moving on into the next phase of my life, but I am pretty sure that doesn't mean I should completely forget the friends that have made things the way they are now. I shouldn't forget the God that has provided me with so much when at times I never really asked for anything. Unfortunately, I have lost touch with all that was once so important in my life.

With so much going on these days, it's understandable if people forget about others. But, it's not right if you consider those people as nothing but a phase, especially if they made an impact in your life. Right now, I feel as if I shrugged off too many people while labelling them as a "phase." That's not who I am. That's not who I want to be.

People Actually Still Use Xanga?

I'm all about the facebook, homey.

**EDIT**

Before anyone decides to make an entry or do something online that he/she may regret, we need to take the time out and think before we do things... I feel that a lot of times people may write entries out of anger or because of some kind of confusion. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS.

I personally feel that in my life, I've done the unthinkable (and not a good thing, either). I've probably managed to piss countless amounts of people off just from my xanga entries, and I do apologize for that. I've realized that in the past I just let my emotions get the complete best of me and all of the sudden you see some hostile entry aimed at someone.

Yeah, it hurts, doesn't it? It's not a great feeling for me, either... to know that I am hurting other people. I've often had people NO LONGER COMMENT on my xanga for some odd reason (probably cause they DON'T LIKE ME)... I've also had people tell me about other people who have said things behind my back about my xanga... I've had confusion on whether my entry was about them or not... and for all these things... I am sorry. I am sorry if I offended anyone with my entries, or if they felt like it was meant to hurt them in any way. I am sorry I made it awkward by saying something that probably hit close to your heart or maybe just something that pissed you off completely. I am sorry for not trusting God and relying on Him so that I could possibly avoid making stupid entries that hurt others. I am sorry for judging you, whether I feel you're fake or real. It doesn't matter what you are. We all have fakeness inside ourselves to some degree, and we're human for having such flaws. I shouldn't care if you're fake... I should love you all the same. I don't care if you wanna be fake all your life... that's your choice. I'm just going to keep doing my thing, loving people and doing what I want to do in my life as long as God approves of it.

Something I am NOT sorry for are the people who find poor reasons to attack me behind my back or to my face. If you want to start a fight, go somewhere else. I do not believe that fighting anywhere, especially online, makes a difference in this world. I would rather keep the peace and love than raise a fist and/or finger. If you have a problem with my xanga, don't read it. OR, if you have a problem and want to suggest something, go ahead and do it. I'd rather you say something than hide behind your mask and never confront me. If I make a mistake I will learn from it, but I only learn when I am told. Maybe it's not me... it could just be you. Either way, let's all keep open minds and open hearts. I just feel that we need to give each other chances and not let anger consume anyone.

Just when I thought the MAD LOVE was gone, I realized that this past weekend really helped me get through that drought. Hanging out with some of you guys has really been a blessing to me. I never felt such a warm feeling in my heart than I did taking that trip for the day. I gotta say that after that day, I've really started to realize the wrongs I have committed. I am going to work at trying to make up for these things and not only that but also to be a more loving person to those I may not have been as loving to. I'll give it a shot, perhaps. If I am not doing a good job, please let me know as long as you have a good reason.

That is all.